and is amazed to see in it, 'My lord, I re- per season; on which account this is to as ceived your grace's commands, with an en- sure you that the club of Ugly Faces was tire submission to If he is at an enter- instituted originally at Cambridge, in the tainment, you may see the pieces of bread merry reign of King Charles II. As in continually multiplying round his plate. It great bodies of men it is not difficult to find is true, the rest of the company want it as members enough for such a club, so (I rewell as their knives and forks, which Me- member) it was then feared, upon their nalcas does not let them keep long. Some- intention of dining together, that the hall times in a morning he puts his whole family belonging to Clare-hall, the ugliest then in in a hurry, and at last goes out without be- the town (though now the neatest) would ing able to stay for his coach or dinner, not be large enough handsomely to hold and for that day you may see him in every the company. Invitations were made to part of the town, except the very place great numbers, but very few accepted where he had appointed to be upon a busi- them without much difficulty. One pleadness of importance. You would often take ed, that being at London, in a bookseller's him for every thing that he is not; for a shop, a lady going by with a great belly fellow quite stupid, for he hears nothing; longed to kiss him. He had certainly been for a fool, for he talks to himself, and has excused, but that evidence appeared, that an hundred grimaces and motions with his indeed one in London did pretend she longhead, which are altogether involuntary; ed to kiss him, but that it was only a pickfor a proud man, for he looks full upon pocket, who during his kissing her stole you, and takes no notice of your saluting away all his money.. Another would have him. The truth of it is, his eyes are open, got off by a dimple in his chin; but it was but he makes no use of them, and neither proved upon him, that he had, by coming sees you, nor any man, nor any thing else. into a room, made a woman miscarry, and He came once from his country-house, and frightened two children into fits. A third his own footmen undertook to rob him, and alleged, that he was taken by a lady for succeeded. They held a flambeau to his another gentleman, who was one of the throat, and bid him deliver his purse; he handsomest in the university: but upon did so, and coming home told his friends he inquiry it was found that the lady had achad been robbed; they desired to know the tually lost one eye, and the other was very particulars, “Ask my' servants,' says Me much upon the decline. A fourth pronalcas, "for they were with me.' X. duced letters out of the country in his vin

dication, in which a gentleman offered him

his daughter, who had lately fallen in love No. 78.] Wednesday, May 30, 1711.

with him, with a good fortune; but it was

made appear, that the young lady was Cum talis sis, utinam noster esses!

amorous, and had like to have run away Could we but call so great a genius ours! with her father's coachman, so that The following letters are so pleasant, supposed, that her pretence of falling in that I doubt not but the reader will be as love with him, was only in order to be well much diverted with them as I was. I have married. It was pleasant to hear the senothing to do in this day's entertainment, veral excuses which were made, insomuch but taking the sentence from the end of that some made as much interest to be exthe Cambridge letter, and placing it at the cused, as they would from serving sheriff; front of nay paper, to show the author I however, at last the society was formed, wish him my companion with as much and proper officers were appointed; and earnestness as he invites me to be his. the day was fixed for the entertainment,

which was in venison season. A pleasant “SIR, I send you the enclosed, to be in- fellow of King's-college (commonly called serted (if you think them worthy of it) in Crab, from his sour look, and the only man your Spectator; in which so surprising a who did not pretend to get off) was nomigenius appears, that it is no wonder if all nated for chaplain; and nothing was wantmankind endeavours to get somewhat into ing but some one to sit in the elbow-chair, a paper which will always live. • As to the Cambridge affair, the hu- the table; and there the business stuck, for

by way of president, at the upper end of mour was really carried on in the way I there was no contention for superiority describe it. However, you have a full there. This affair made so great a noise, commission to put out or in, and to do that the King, who was then at Newmarwhatever you think fit with it. I have al- ket, heard of it, and was pleased merrily ready had the satisfaction of seeing you and graciously to say, “He could not be take that liberty with some things I have there himself, but he would send them a before sent you. Go on, sir, and prosper. brace of bucks.' You have the best wishes of, sir, your very affectionate and obliged humble servant.'

•I would desire you, sir, to set this affair

in a true light, that posterity may not be

Cambridge. misled in so important a point; for when MR. SPECTATOR,-You well know it is the wise man who shall write your true of great consequence to clear titles, and it history,' shall acquaint the world, that you is of importance that it be done in the pro-I had a diploma sent from the Ugly Club at

was

Oxford, and that by virtue of it you were who confess their faults. What hopes admitted into it, what a learned war will then have we of having justice done us, there be among future critics about the when the makers of our very prayers and original of that club, which both universi-laws, and the most learned in all faculties, ties will contend so warmly for? And per- seem to be in a confederacy against us, naps some hardy Cantabrigian author may and our enemies themselves must be our then boldly affirm, that the word Oxford judges. was an interpolation of some Oxonian in- • The Span'sh proverb says, El sabio stead of Cambridge. This affair will be muda consejo, el necio no; i. e. “A wise best adjusted in your life-time; but I hope man changes his mind, a fool never will.' your affection to your mother will not make So that we think you, sir, a very proper you partial to your aunt.

person to address to, since we know you to • To tell you, sir, my own opinion: though be capable of being convinced, and changI cannot find any ancient records of any ing your judgment. You are well able to acts of the society of the Ugly Faces, con- settle this affair, and to you we submit our sidered in a public capacity; yet, in a cause. We desire you to assign the butts private one, they have certainly antiquity and bounds of each of us; and that for the on their side. I am persuaded they will future we may both enjoy our own. We hardly give place to the Loungers, and the would desire to be heard by our counsel, Loungers are of the same standing with the but that we fear in their very pleadings university itself.

they would betray our cause: besides, we 'Though we well know, sir, you want no have been oppressed so many years, that motives to do justice, yet I am commission- we can appear no other way but in forma ed to tell you, that you are invited to be ad- pauperis. All which considered, we hope mitted ad eundem at Cambridge; and I you will be pleased to do that which to believe I may venture safely to deliver this right and justice shall appertain. And your as the wish of our whole university.' petitioners,' &c.

R. • To Mr. Spectator. •The humble Petition of WHO and No. 79.] Thursday, May 31, 1711, WHICH, showeth,

Oderunt peccare boni virtutis amore. • That your petitioners being in a forlorn

Hor. Lib. 1. Ep. xvi. 52. and destitute condition, know not to whom The good, for virtue's sake, abhor to sin.-Creech. we should apply ourselves for relief, be

I HAVE received very many letters of late cause there is hardly any man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with whom are very angry with me for abridg

from my female correspondents, most of sorrow, even you yourself, whom we should

suspect of such a practice the lasting their pleasures, and looking severely of all mankind, can hardly acquit yourself upon things in themselves indifferent. But of having given us some cause of com- this imputation. All I contend for is, that

I think they are extremely unjust to me in plaint. We are descended of ancient fa- those excellencies, which are to be regarded milies, and kept up our dignity and honour but in the second place, should not precede many years, till the jack-sprat That Sup- more weighty considerations. The

heart of planted us. How often have we found ourselves slighted by the clergy in their pul- half a life spent in discourses on the subjec

man deceives him in spite of the lectures of pits, and the lawyers at the bar. Nay, how tion of passion; and I do not know why one often have we heard, in one of the most polite and august assemblies in the uni- may not think the heart of woman as unverse, to our great mortification, these faithful to itself

. If we grant an equality in words, That That

that noble lord urged; the faculties of both sexes, the minds of which if one of us had had justice done, women are less cultivated with precepts, would have sounded nobler thus, "That and consequently may, without disrespect WHICH that noble lord urged.” Senators to them, be accounted more liable to illuthemselves, the guardians of British liber- sion, in cases wherein natural inclination is

out of the interests of virtue. I shall take ty, have degraded us, and preferred That to us; and yet no decree was ever given up my present time in commenting upon a against us. In the very acts of parlia- from thence leave the reader to judge whe

billet or two which came from ladies, and ment, in which the utmost right should ther I am in the right or not, in thinking it be done to every body, word, and thing, is possible fine women may be mistaken. we find ourselves often either not used, or The following address seems to have no used one instead of another. In the first other design in it, but to tell me the writer and best prayer children are taught, they will do what she pleases for all me. learn to misuse us: Our Father which art in heaven,' should be “Our Father, who MR. SPECTATOR, -I am young, and art in heaven;' and even a Convocation, very much inclined to follow the paths of after long debates, refused to consent to an innocence; but at the same time, as I have alteration of it. In our General Confession a plentiful fortune, and am of quality, I am we say, 'Spare thou them, O God, which unwilling to resign the pleasures of distincconfess their faults, which ought to be tion, some little satisfaction in being ad

Own

mired in general, and much greater in being many, must be your chief care; for upon the beloved by a gentleman whom I design to propriety of such writings depends a great make my husband. But I have a mind to deal. I have known those among us who put off entering into matrimony till another think, if they every morning and evening winter is over my head, which (whatever, spend an hour in their closet, and read over musty sir, you may think of the matter) I so many prayers in six or seven books of design to pass away in hearing music, going devotion, all' equally nonsensical, with a to plays, visiting, and all other satisfactions sort of warmth, (that might as well be which fortune and youth, protected by in- raised by a glass of wine, or a dram of citnocence and virtue, can procure for, sir, ron,) they may all the rest of their time go your most humble servant, M. T.'on in whatever their particular passion

My lover does not know I like him, leads them to. The beauteous Philautia, therefore having no engagements upon me, who is in your language) an idol, is one of I think to stay and know whether I may these votaries; she has a very pretty furnot like any one else better.'

nished closet, to which she retires at her I have heard Will Honeycomb say, "A appointed hours. This is her dressingwoman seldom writes her mind but in her room, as well as chapel; she has constantly postscript.' I think this gentlewoman has before her a large looking-glass; and upon sufficiently discovered her's in this. I will the table, according to a very witty author, lay what wager she pleases against her Together lie her prayer-book and paint, present favourite, and can tell her that she

At once t'improve the sinner and the saint." will like ten more before she is fixed, and

It must be a good scene, if one could be then will take the worst man she ever liked present at it, to see this idol by turns lift up in her life. There is no end of affection her eyes to heaven, and steal glances at her taken in at the eyes only; and you may as

dear person. It cannot but be a pleaswell satisfy those eyes with seeing, as con- When you are upon this subject, choose

ing conflict between vanity and humiliation. troul any passion received by them only. books which elevate the mind above the It is from loving by sight, that coxcombs so frequently succeed with women, and

very little

things in it. For want of such instruc

world, and give a pleasing indifference to rents to a man who weds her as innocence tions, I am apt to believe so many people itself

, though she has, in her own heart, take it in their heads to be sullen, cross, given her approbation of a different man in and angry, under pretence of being abevery assembly she was in the whole year at the same time they betray their fondness

stracted from the affairs of this life, when before. What is wanting among women as well as among men is the love of laudable for them by doing their duty as a task, and things, and not to rest only on the forbear- pouting and reading good books for a week ance of such as are reproachful.

together. Much of this I take to proceed How far removed from a woman of this from the indiscretion of the books themlight imagination is Eudosia! Eudosia has selves, whose very titles of weekly preparaall the arts of life and good-breeding, with tions, and such limited godliness, lead peoso much ease, that the virtue of her con- ple of ordinary capacities into great errors, duct looks more like instinct than choice. and raise in them a mechanical religion, It is as little difficult to her to think justly entirely distinct from morality. I know á of persons and things, as it is to a woman of lady so given up to this sort of devotion, different accomplishments to move ill or

that though she employs six or eight hours look awkward. That which was, at first, of the twenty-four at cards, she never the effect of instruction, is grown into a

misses one constant hour of prayer, for habit; and it would be as hard for Eudosia which time another holds her cards, to to indulge a wrong suggestion of thought, as which she returns with no little anxiousit would be for Flavia, the fine dancer, to ness till two or three in the morning. All come into a room with an unbecoming air.

these acts are but empty shows, and, as it But the misapprehensions people them were, . compliments made to virtue; the selves have of their own state of mind, is mind is all the while untouched with any laid down with much discerning in the fol- true pleasure in the pursuit of it. From lowing letter, which is but an extract of a

hence I presume it arises, that so many kind epistle from my charming mistress people call themselves virtuous, from no Hecatissa, who is above the vanity of ex- other pretence to it but an absence of ill. ternal beauty, and is the better judge of the There is Dulcianara, the most insolent of perfections of the mind.

all creatures to her friends and domestics,

upon no other pretence in nature, but that MR. SPECTATOR,-I write this to ac- (as her silly phrase is)." No one can say quaint you, that very many ladies, as well black is her eye.” She has no secrets, foras myself, spend many hours more than we sooth, which should make her afraid to used at the glass, for want of the female speak her mind, and therefore she is imlibrary, of which you promised us a cata- pertinently blunt to all her acquaintance, logue. 'I hope, sir, in the choice of authors and unseasonably imperious to all her for us, you will have a particular regard to family: Dear sir, be pleased to put such books of devotion, What they are, and how books into our hands as may make our vir

Creech.

tue more inward and convince some of us, instances of applause. The decencies to that in a mind truly virtuous, the scorn of which women are obliged, made these virvice is always accompanied with the pity gins stifle their resentment so far as not to of it. This and other things are impatiently break into open violences, while they expected from you by our whole sex; equally suffered the torments of a regulated among the rest by, sir, your most humble anger. Their mothers, as it is usual, enservant,

B. D.' gaged in the quarrel, and supported the R.

several pretensions of their daughters with all that ill-chosen sort of expense which is

common with people of plentiful fortunes No. 80.] Friday, June 1, 1711. and mean taste. The girls preceded their

parents like queens of May, in all the gaudy Czelum, non animum, mutant, qui trans mare currunt.

Flor. Lib. 1. Ep. xi. 27.

colours imaginable, on every Sunday, to Those that beyond-sea go, will sadly find,

church, and were exposed to the examinaThey change their climate only, not their mind. tion of the audience for superiority of beauty.

During this constant struggle it happenIn the year 1688, and on the same day of ed, that Phillis one day at public prayers that year, were born in Cheapside, London, smote the heart of a gay West-Indian, who two females of exquisite feature and shape; appeared in all the colours which can affect the one we shall call Brunetta, the other an eye that could not distinguish between Phillis. A close intimacy between their being fine and tawdry. This American, in parents made each of them the first ac- a summer-island suit, was too shining and quaintance the other knew in the world. too gay to be resisted by Phillis, and too inThey played, dressed babies, acted visit- tent upon her charms to be diverted by ings, learned to dance, and make courtesies any of the laboured attractions of Brunetta. together. They were inseparable compa- Soon after, Brunetta had the mortification nions in all the little entertainments their to see her rival disposed of in a wealthy tender years were capable of: which inno- marriage, while she was only addressed to cent happiness continued until the begin- in a manner that showed she was the admining of their fifteenth year, when it hap-ration of all men, but the choice of none. pened that Phillis had a head-dress on, Phillis was carried to the habitation of her which became her so well, that instead of spouse in Barbadoes. Brunetta had the illbeing beheld any more with pleasure for nature to inquire for her by every opportutheir amity to each other, the eyes of the nity, and had the misfortune to hear of her neighbourhood were turned to remark them being attended by numerous slaves, fanned with comparison of their beauty. They into slumbers by successive bands of them, now no longer enjoyed the ease of mind and and carried from place to place in all the pleasing indolence in which they were for- pomp of barbarous magnificence. Brunetmerly happy, but all their words and ac- ta could not endure these repeated advices, tions were misinterpreted by each other, but employed all her arts and charms in and every excellence in their speech and laying baits for any of condition of the same behaviour was looked upon as an act of island, out of mere ambition to confront emulation to surpass the other. These be- her once more before she died. She at last ginnings of disinclination soon improved succeeded in her design, and was taken to into a formality of behaviour, a general wife by a gentleman whose estate was concoldness, and by natural steps into an irre- tiguous to that of her enemy's husband. It concilable hatred.

would be endless to enumerate the many These two rivals for the reputation of occasions on which these irreconcilable beauty, were in their stature, countenance, beauties laboured to excel each other; but and mien so very much alike, that if you in process of time it happened, that a ship were speaking of them in their absence, put into the island consigned to a friend of the words in which you described the one Phillis, who had directions to give her the remust give you an idea of the other. They fusal of all goods for apparel, before Brunetwere hardly distinguishable, you would ta could be alarmed of their arrival. He did think when they were apart, though ex- so, and Phillis was dressed in a few days in tremely different when together. What a brocade more gorgeous and costly than made their enmity the more entertaining to had ever before appeared in that latitude. all the rest of their sex was, that in detrac- Brunetta languished at the sight, and tion from each other, neither could fall could by no means come up to the bravery upon terms which did not hit herself as of her antagonist. She communicated her much as her adversary. Their nights grew anguish of mind to a faithful friend, who restless with meditation of new dresses to by an interest in the wife of Phillis's meroutvie each other, and inventing new de- chant, procured a remnant of the same silk vices to recal admirers, who observed the for Brunetta. Phillis took pains to appear charms of the one rather than those of the in all the public places where she was sure other, on the last meeting. Their colours to meet Brunetta; Brunetta was now prefailed at each other's appearance, flushed pared for the insult, and came to a public with pleasure at the report of a disadvan- ball in a plain black silk mantua, attended tage, and their countenances withered upon by a beautiful negro girl in a petticoat of

duce me.

the same brocade with which Phillis was No. 81.] Saturday, June 2, 1711. attired. This drew the attention of the

Qualis ubi audito venantum murmure tigris whole company, upon which the unhappy

Horruit in maculas-- Stat. Theb. ii. 128. Phillis swooned away, and was immediately conveyed to her house. As soon as she

As when the tigress hears the hunter's din,

Dark angry spots distain her glossy skin: came to herself, she fled from her husband's house, went on board a ship in the ABOUT the middle of last winter I went road; and is now landed in inconsolable to see an opera at the theatre in the Haydespair at Plymouth.

market, where I could not but take notice POSTSCRIPT.

of two parties of very fine women, that After the above melancholy narration, boxes, and seemed drawn up in a kind of

had placed themselves in the opposite sideit may perhaps be a relief to the reader to battle-array one against another. After a peruse the following expostulation;

short survey of them, I found they were To Mr. Spectator.

patched differently; the faces on one hand •The just Remonstrance of affronted being spotted on the right side of the foreTHAT.

head, and those upon the other on the left. • Though I deny not the petition of Mr. I quickly perceived that they cast hosWho and Which, yet you should not suf- tile glances upon one another; and that fer them to be rude, and to call honest peo- their

patches were placed in those different ple names: for that bears very hard on situations, as party-signals to distinguish some of those rules of decency which you friends from foes." In the middle-boxes, are justly famous for establishing. They between these two opposite bodies were may find fault, and correct speeches in several ladies who patched indifferently the senate, and at the bar, but let them on both sides of their faces, and seemed to try to get themselves so often and with so sit there with no other intention but to see much eloquence repeated in a sentence, the opera. Upon inquiry I found that the as a great orator doth frequently intro- body of Amazons on my right hand were

whigs, and those on my left, tories; and that My lords, (says he) with humble sub- those who had placed themselves in the mission, That That I say is this; That That, middle-boxes were a neutral party, whose That That gentleman has advanced, is not faces had not yet declared themselves. That That he should have proved to your These last, however, as I afterwards found, lordships. Let those two questionary pe- diminished daily, and took their party with titioners try to do thus with their Whos one side or the other; insomuch that I oband their Whiches.

served, in several of them, the patches •What great advantage was I of to Mr. which were before dispersed equally, are Dryden, in his Indian Emperor,

now all gone over to the whig or tory side “You force me still to answer you in That;' of the face. The censorious say, that the to furnish out a rhyme to Morat? and often the occasions that one part of the face

men, whose hearts are aimed at, are very what a poor figure would Mr. Bayes have is thus dishonoured, and lies under a kind made without his “ Egad and all That?” of disgrace, while the other is so much set How can a judicious man distinguish one off and adorned by the owner; and that the thing from another, without saying, “This patches turn to the right or to the left, achere,” or “That there?” And how can a sober man, without using the expletives of most in favour. But whatsoever may be

cording to the principles of the man who is oaths, (in which indeed the rakes and bul- the motives of a few fantastical coquettes, lies have a great advantage over others, who do not patch for the public good so make a discourse of any tolerable length, much as for their own private advantage, without “ That is;" and if he be a very it is certain that there are several women grave man indeed, without “That is to of honour who patch out of principle, and say?" And how instructive as well as en- with an eye to the interest of their countertaining are those usual expressions in the try.–Nay, I am informed that some of mouths of great men, “Such things as them adhere so steadfastly to their party, That,” and “The like of That.” I am not against reforming the corrup- for the public to their passion for any par

and are so far from sacrificing their zeal tions of speech you mention, and own there ticular person, that in a late draught of are proper seasons for the introduction of marriage-articles

, a lady has stipulated with other words besides That; but I scorn as her husband, that whatever his opinions much to supply the place of a Who or a are, she shall be at liberty to patch on Which at every turn, as they are unequal which side she pleases. always to fill mine; and I expect good

I must here take notice, that Rosalinda, language and civil treatment, and hope to receive it for the future: That That I shall tunately a very beautiful mole on the tory

a famous whig partisan, has most unforonly add is, That 'I am, yours,

part of her forehead; which being very R.*

THAT.'

conspicuous, has occasioned many misThe first Volume of the original 8vo. and 12mo. takes, and given a handle to her enemies editions, as published by Tonson, closes with this puper. to misrepresent her face, as though it had